Poppa

Pictures of Poppa Mom sent me yesterday! He is outside for the first time in 2 months!

Living Life

I went to the park again today and spent about 5 hours again! I love the park! I think I am addicted! :) Today I realized, I am not changing into someone new, but I am changing into ME. I have not been truly me for a long time! It was always about making everyone else happy and acting and looking the way THEY wanted me too. I feel free. I am free to do whatever I want. I had a long talk with my best friend Carol when I got home. I figured out a lot and cleared up so much! I had been thinking that Carol wasn't wanting to be around me anymore and I have been trying to just face it. But today I talked to her about it and she felt like I was getting new friends and didn't want to be around her as much! It's funny how things work out haha. She told me today that she will miss me if I go to TTU and her and Chanel have talked about moving to Cookeville and finding a new job. She said almost everytime they get together, that is what they talk about. Carol told me that she loves having me as a friend and that she thinks I am such a wonderful and nice person. I was shocked to hear this, because I have not always thought of myself as a wonderful person. I did not know that she cherished our friendship this much! I am so happy though, cause I love to have her as a friend! I am really going to have a hard time going to TTU and being away from my friends and family and What I have always known. But I feel this is something I REALLY need to do. I want to go out and meet new people, build confidence, better myself. I really hope everyone comes and visits me though! I will definitely come home and visit as much as possible! I also found a park in Cookeville last time I went! I am very excited about that haha.

♥ Sienna

In Terms Of Love

So I took Lady to the park today in West Knoxville! (my favorite park). We went on a walk around the track, then I brought a blanket, a lunch, water for lady, and my Anatomy book. We laid in a shaded area and I read. It was so relaxing. This is how I should always study. Even though, I was distracted and watching people the entire time. haha. I stayed there for about 4 or 5 hours. Time was just flying by! Carol and Chanel came and sat with us for a while! Lady was so good. I took her off the leash and she did not leave my side. I had to push her away to get her to walk around. She is such a good doggy. We then got Fuji and brought it back to my house since I had to take Lady home and I don't really have the money to make too many extra trips. Then we watched White Oleander! It was a great day!

On the way to the park today, a song came on my radio from my Ipod. It's called "In Terms Of Love." I didn't even know I had the song!! It reminds me of how I feel about Irwin and that situation. Anyway, the lyrics are below!


In Terms Of Love
By: SheDaisy

Now and then I confess you cross my mind
Now and then I guess I have a little too much time
I've changed my way of thinking
I've tried hard to separate
What came too soon
From what came too late

(chorus)
I don't think about me in terms of you
I don't think about you in terms of us
I don't think about us in terms of love
I don't think about then in terms of now
I found a way to start again somehow
I don't think about what we thought it was
Oh, in terms of love

Oh, in terms of love

I'm countin' on heaven to understand
I didn't mean to go and mess up all the plans
Sometimes you know where you should go
Before you know the way
I'll bother with tomorrow
Once I've made it through today

(chorus)
I don't think about me in terms of you
I don't think about you in terms of us
I don't think about us in terms of love
I don't think about then in terms of now
I found a way to start again somehow
I don't think about what we thought it was
Oh, in terms of love

I don't think about black in terms of gray
Or revelations in the light of day
I don't think about cold in terms of ice
Or second chances happenin' twice

(chorus)
I don't think about me in terms of you
I don't think about you in terms of us
I don't think about us in terms of love
I don't think about then in terms of now
I found a way to start again somehow
I don't think about what we thought it was
Oh, in terms of love

In terms of love
Oh, yeah
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
I don't think about us in terms of love


♥ Sienna

Singing for his glory!

Ugh, I know I should be in bed right now.. Tomorrow is my early morning.. But, I have been doing homework and thinking a lot since I practiced my music.

Last week when I was in voice lessons, My voice instructor told me she really thinks I have potential and that I have a beautiful voice if I would just sing out and not be shy! My dream since I was little was to be a singer. As I got older, that dream because less and less of a reality. I mean, look at the competition! Everyone wants to sing and be famous. But I really do not want to sing to become famous. I mean, I would like that, because then I could keep doing what I love and be able to support a family as well! I want to sing because that is the time I feel closer to God then ever. I feel God gave me this gift for a reason. I really think God planned this semester out for me. He planned that I would need just one more credit to get my health insurance and be considered full time. Well, not many classes are one credit... Then I saw voice lessons and decided I would try it out. I mean, I want to become a nurse because it would be good money to support a family and I would always be secure in finding a job. Since I was last laid off, that has become a big factor in the decision making of a career. I also want to help people and take care of children. But a part of me keeps saying, what if... What if I kept working with voice lessons and became more confident.. What if I was recognized.. My voice instructor told me I really need to consider going into voice lessons next semester no matter what school I go to. She thinks that I will be really great after a year of voice instruction. Tennessee Tech does have Voice lessons, but I don't know how much they cost or if I will even have time for them. I can't stray away from my decision to go into Nursing because I need to get out asap to get a job that pays decent. I want to be out on my own when I get out of college, I don't want to come back and live with my dad again.

The past month or so, I feel I have started to become a new person. I am praying more, exercising more, trying to watch what I eat, I have lost 8 pounds since January, I got rid of all the dating sites I was on, I no longer talk to Irwin and I am not having the urge to call him or text him any more, I applied to Tennessee Tech and made the decision that if I get accepted, then I am going. I am beginning a new life. I feel going to Tennessee Tech will branch me out. Help me become more outgoing. I can make new friends. I will actually have the college experience I always wanted. Who knows if I will like it or like the dorms.. but I will never know unless I try it. I know I must stay focused and keep my eyes on the prize! I need to start LIVING life! enjoy life! I have felt a relief since I let Irwin go. No more holding me back, no more fighting for someone who would never fight for me, no more back and forth, no more drama! Do I still love him? Yes of course.. I do not know if I will ever stop loving him, But I know I will one day be at peace with us not ever being together again. At this moment I do not think I would ever take him back even if he begged. He hurt me over and over and over. I am done. Weight has lifted off my shoulders!! I have good days and bad days, but mostly good. Except for I can't stop thinking about my Poppa. Worrying about it will not get me anywhere though, so I just pray when I think about it, then let it be in Gods hands.

I have been sick on and off for the past couple of weeks and I am over it! I am tired of not being able to breath. Thanks to Vicks nose spray though, It has been a little easier. Well, since I have been sick, It would be in my best interest to go to bed now!

Good night!

New Journey

Well, Today I decided I officially want to go to TTU. I want to get my bachelors. So even if I get accepted in Pellissippi's program, I will still go to TTU, unless I do not get accepted there. I applied today to the school and requested all my transcripts be sent. Now a whole bunch of hurry up and wait.

I feel like I am becoming a new person. Over the past few years I have felt like I have grown so much! But the day I told Irwin to no longer contact me, was the day I realized I am much stronger than I thought I was. I am trying to workout as much as possible. Started going to the gym with mom and Chanel. Tonight Mom and I are going to do a spin class... I am not looking forward to it, but it's another challenge I am going to try to overcome. Mom says it burns a ton of calories and people get a high from doing it. But it also will hurt your butt. I am not looking forward to that part. I am sore from the workout yesterday, so hopefully I can fight through the pain and keep going on the bike. I am so ready to get rid of this weight and become healthier. I am really trying to focus on exercise. So far I have lost 8 pounds. I keep thinking I could be losing so much more if I did weight watchers, but diets and food plans are so hard for me to stick to.. I feel restricted and I end up going off the deep end. So right now I am going to focus on exercise, then work on the eating plan. I am trying to lower my portions and instead of a cheeseburger at BK, I get a salad. I really want to go grocery shopping to get food I can eat and enjoy and is healthy for me, But I just keep thinking there is so much I need to spend my money on, like my credit card, that I let get out of control and medical bill I just got in the mail and phone bill I just got in the mail and I have to pay rent. I usually do not have many bills, but the past few months, I have had more than usual and my unemployment has been inconsistent. For example, this week I will only get 75 dollars.. Then hopefully I will get money next week after I file again, but who really knows. So I am trying to not spend much money to make sure I don't go in the negatives like I did last time this happened. I like not having to work while in school, but sometimes I think that maybe I could find a job that I could make more money then unemployment.. but that would be pretty close to impossible for a part time job. Maybe waitressing or something, but who knows. I have never done that and I would probably be horrible at it. I am hopefully going to do my taxes sometime this week so I can get some money back and I think that will help me out a lot.

Anyway, I need to get back to studying!

Sienna

Death

Tonight I received news that my really good friend Rachel's dad died in a car wreck. She has been going to UT for a special education degree in teaching. Her family lives around Nashville, so she only gets to see them on breaks as much as she can. From what she has told me, she was very close to her family. It is just devastating that her dad has died. She is such a sweet and wonderful person, why does this happen to her family?
It seems that is what we do when people die that we love. We ask why, and unfortunately no one has the answer to that. The only thing I can say is that I have faith that God has a reason.
I have been asking why a lot lately myself. My Poppa has quit smoking, quit drinking, yet he can not catch a break! I just wish he could get a second chance at life. He is only 72. I try to stay hopeful and say that he is going through this so that he can realize how precious his life is and quit the bad things, But at the same time, I do not want him to suffer anymore. I wish I knew what was going on inside his head since he can not talk or really even communicate. I wonder if he is ready to die, or if he wants to fight. I am trying my best to be optimistic, but the rest of my family is not seeming one bit optimistic about the situation. I am so happy though that I got to go down and visit him in the hospital. I do not know how well his brain was working, if he could recognize me, understand me, who knows.. But I got to tell him I love him and got to hold his hand. I just miss his great big bear hugs he always gives, while shaking us! haha. He is one of the most hard headed men I know! He is a fighter! But I would completely understand if he wanted to stop the suffering and let go. The poor guy has been through so much!

Lately with other deaths and my Poppa being sick, I think about death a lot! (like I said in my last blog). Hearing the news that my friends dad had died really shocked me and really brings perspective on how precious every second of life is. How precious every second with your friends and family is.

Cherish every breath you take and live to your full ability.

Sienna

Can't Sleep

Wow, My last post was in 2008...

Well, I am up at 1 am and can't sleep. My plans for tomorrow were to clean house, do laundry, spend time outside, work out, and do homework.. I am hoping to still wake up early enough to get everything done. I went out Wednesday and Thursday with friends and I am kinda feeling like not going out with people this weekend. Maybe lunch or something small, but not something that is going to take a lot of time out of my "trying to be productive" day. I am really trying to really study the two chapters in A&P 2 that we are going over, because our normal teacher is on leave cause she had surgery. So we have a fill in teacher, but still our normal teachers test.. So frustrating. So pretty much I am trying to read both of the chapters. We also have a unit project due next week along with a case study and vocab quiz. Oh yea, since its been a while since I last posts, I guess I should say I am now a nursing major. I am really stressing out about everything right now. I started this semester motivated and ready to study. Then my Poppa went into Cardiac arrest, etc and has been in the hospital since. He is a fighter and has been the stronger than most people could probably be! One thing after the other for him, but I really don't think he is ready to give up! Since he went into the hospital, it has been hard for me to focus on anything and I have been depressed off and on and have a lot of mood swings. I am on medication to help all of those issues, but sometimes I think this will never go away. I also have been thinking a lot about death and losing the people I love. A girl who was 22 had went to a bar and on the way home was pulled over, I guess she was scared of getting a DUI and she took off. It was a high speed chase and she was going 100-120 mph. The cop decided to back off because it was also raining and it is too dangerous on Chapman Hwy for that. The next day, they found her car in a ditch smashed up and she was ejected from the car.. I know it is stupid, but I think about death all the time now. She is just a year older than me. I want so badly to graduate, get a good job, find a good man, get married, have kids, have grandkids, etc.. I don't want to die yet. But everyday when I drive home on Chapman Hwy I think that that drive is when I am going to die. Stupid, I know, but I have a serious fear! I don't ever want to drive home because I think I am going to die. I wish I could stop thinking about it, but it's constantly running through my head and everyone looks at me crazy when I tell them. I have always wondered if when people die, if they know in their hearts that it is their time to die.. Of course, I can't ask them, because they are dead. Sometimes I think, I better turn off my heater before it catches on fire and burns me to death, or I need to turn off my heated blanket burns me to death, or what if someone comes in the house upstairs and starts shooting, what do I do, or what if a tornado comes through and the house falls on me because I am in the basement. I feel like I live my life in fear. What if what if what if. .. I don't know why I think like that, I am going to kill myself with stress and worrying all the time.
I recently told Irwin that I no longer wanted him to call or text me and that I needed space. We have gone back and forth for 3 years in May. It has been the hardest thing for me to do. I haven't gone very long without talking to him. I feel like I need to talk to him because of all the stress I am going through, I need his support. Even though he can be a complete jerk, he is a great friend and he gets me. I love him, and I have no clue how I could ever love anyone else the way I love him. I keep thinking that there is so much I wish I could say to him. But I don't know if any of it would actually change anything. I thought about writing a journal about how I feel with this situation, but everyone I have talked to about it says it is a bad idea and it would just keep him around in my head and heart. I have developed a bitterness towards dating. In my mind, I think that Irwin is the one for me and I don't see myself with anyone else. Not only that, but I don't want to go through this crap anymore. It is time to focus on ME. MY relationship with God, MY health, MY exercising, MY schooling, anything and everything that can possibly make me a better person. I think I am a good person, but I am not living up to the things God intends me to become. One of the sins I suffer with right now is cursing. I don't to it all the time just for fun, but I curse when I hurt myself, or when I am scared, or When I am mad. When I curse during these situations, I really feel like it makes me feel better. Probably not a good thing.
I have been trying to workout more lately. I joined the Y with mom and chanel. The plan was for all of us to work out at 6:30 at least 3 times a week. So far Me and mom went together once and I went by myself another day. Mom has not been feeling well and Chanel has not been sleeping well. I have not been sleeping well either. It is so hard to get into a routine, but I really am excited about working out! I worked out on Wednesday and I still feel every muscle hurting. I know I can do it and I am ready to get my body in shape. I am trying to watch what I eat and cut back on portions and add more vegetables and fruits. But I am not on Weight watchers or a diet or anything. One thing at a time. The happy part about this is that I weigh less than I did when I got off of weight watchers last year. Now that I have told Irwin not to contact me, I feel like I can really do this for ME this time!

Today was a pretty good day! Poppa got out of his bed and sat in a real chair. This is the first time he has gotten out since he had the stroke. It was a beautiful sunny day and warm. I spent time with my brothers and dad out side. Poor Doran was crying because his girlfriend and other kids at school were making fun of him. They were his so called friends. He was really upset, I felt like going down there and beating up some kids. haha. Anyway, Christy had her baby today and it was a Boy!! Harrison is his name. I get to babysit him in May. I am nervous, but so excited at the same time. I am making a baby blanket for him, but I don't have too much time to finish it.

Well, there is SOO much more I could write about, but I am exhausted and I think this was long enough. I got some stuff off my chest though and I feel a little better.

Sienna