Can't Sleep

Wow, My last post was in 2008...

Well, I am up at 1 am and can't sleep. My plans for tomorrow were to clean house, do laundry, spend time outside, work out, and do homework.. I am hoping to still wake up early enough to get everything done. I went out Wednesday and Thursday with friends and I am kinda feeling like not going out with people this weekend. Maybe lunch or something small, but not something that is going to take a lot of time out of my "trying to be productive" day. I am really trying to really study the two chapters in A&P 2 that we are going over, because our normal teacher is on leave cause she had surgery. So we have a fill in teacher, but still our normal teachers test.. So frustrating. So pretty much I am trying to read both of the chapters. We also have a unit project due next week along with a case study and vocab quiz. Oh yea, since its been a while since I last posts, I guess I should say I am now a nursing major. I am really stressing out about everything right now. I started this semester motivated and ready to study. Then my Poppa went into Cardiac arrest, etc and has been in the hospital since. He is a fighter and has been the stronger than most people could probably be! One thing after the other for him, but I really don't think he is ready to give up! Since he went into the hospital, it has been hard for me to focus on anything and I have been depressed off and on and have a lot of mood swings. I am on medication to help all of those issues, but sometimes I think this will never go away. I also have been thinking a lot about death and losing the people I love. A girl who was 22 had went to a bar and on the way home was pulled over, I guess she was scared of getting a DUI and she took off. It was a high speed chase and she was going 100-120 mph. The cop decided to back off because it was also raining and it is too dangerous on Chapman Hwy for that. The next day, they found her car in a ditch smashed up and she was ejected from the car.. I know it is stupid, but I think about death all the time now. She is just a year older than me. I want so badly to graduate, get a good job, find a good man, get married, have kids, have grandkids, etc.. I don't want to die yet. But everyday when I drive home on Chapman Hwy I think that that drive is when I am going to die. Stupid, I know, but I have a serious fear! I don't ever want to drive home because I think I am going to die. I wish I could stop thinking about it, but it's constantly running through my head and everyone looks at me crazy when I tell them. I have always wondered if when people die, if they know in their hearts that it is their time to die.. Of course, I can't ask them, because they are dead. Sometimes I think, I better turn off my heater before it catches on fire and burns me to death, or I need to turn off my heated blanket burns me to death, or what if someone comes in the house upstairs and starts shooting, what do I do, or what if a tornado comes through and the house falls on me because I am in the basement. I feel like I live my life in fear. What if what if what if. .. I don't know why I think like that, I am going to kill myself with stress and worrying all the time.
I recently told Irwin that I no longer wanted him to call or text me and that I needed space. We have gone back and forth for 3 years in May. It has been the hardest thing for me to do. I haven't gone very long without talking to him. I feel like I need to talk to him because of all the stress I am going through, I need his support. Even though he can be a complete jerk, he is a great friend and he gets me. I love him, and I have no clue how I could ever love anyone else the way I love him. I keep thinking that there is so much I wish I could say to him. But I don't know if any of it would actually change anything. I thought about writing a journal about how I feel with this situation, but everyone I have talked to about it says it is a bad idea and it would just keep him around in my head and heart. I have developed a bitterness towards dating. In my mind, I think that Irwin is the one for me and I don't see myself with anyone else. Not only that, but I don't want to go through this crap anymore. It is time to focus on ME. MY relationship with God, MY health, MY exercising, MY schooling, anything and everything that can possibly make me a better person. I think I am a good person, but I am not living up to the things God intends me to become. One of the sins I suffer with right now is cursing. I don't to it all the time just for fun, but I curse when I hurt myself, or when I am scared, or When I am mad. When I curse during these situations, I really feel like it makes me feel better. Probably not a good thing.
I have been trying to workout more lately. I joined the Y with mom and chanel. The plan was for all of us to work out at 6:30 at least 3 times a week. So far Me and mom went together once and I went by myself another day. Mom has not been feeling well and Chanel has not been sleeping well. I have not been sleeping well either. It is so hard to get into a routine, but I really am excited about working out! I worked out on Wednesday and I still feel every muscle hurting. I know I can do it and I am ready to get my body in shape. I am trying to watch what I eat and cut back on portions and add more vegetables and fruits. But I am not on Weight watchers or a diet or anything. One thing at a time. The happy part about this is that I weigh less than I did when I got off of weight watchers last year. Now that I have told Irwin not to contact me, I feel like I can really do this for ME this time!

Today was a pretty good day! Poppa got out of his bed and sat in a real chair. This is the first time he has gotten out since he had the stroke. It was a beautiful sunny day and warm. I spent time with my brothers and dad out side. Poor Doran was crying because his girlfriend and other kids at school were making fun of him. They were his so called friends. He was really upset, I felt like going down there and beating up some kids. haha. Anyway, Christy had her baby today and it was a Boy!! Harrison is his name. I get to babysit him in May. I am nervous, but so excited at the same time. I am making a baby blanket for him, but I don't have too much time to finish it.

Well, there is SOO much more I could write about, but I am exhausted and I think this was long enough. I got some stuff off my chest though and I feel a little better.

Sienna